December 2, 2016


and Black.

I know that in the end everything will goes black. In the end all you see is black. No, we can't even know whether it's black or not. Let's just assume it's black as you're closing your eyes as you sleep. On my first year at med school, the very first thing that i learn is about basic communication. I was so hyped to learn about medical stuff but i have to pass the basic communication course first before the basic sciences. Literally, communication. And now i know why i need to learn it first.

It was 8 P.M. i was walking through the hospital corridor with my friend searching for the ER section. There's something happened with me, an urgent one i guess, that urge me to go to the nearest hospital as fast as i can. But i'm safe and sound. As i arrived in the ER, the nurse checked me up and told me to wait for the doctor to see me. I was placed in a chamber, the nurse half-closed the partition. A few minutes later i heard something noisy, people are screaming, it was mad and i can see someone in a bed is being pushed toward the resuscitation room (As i got in the ER, i was looking at the entire place, noticing a room called resuscitation... so i know). People behind the patient are screaming in a mandarin, frustrated over something. The woman in pink yelled at a man. I don't know why. They didn't even use shoes, barefooted. 

After that i don't know what's going on outside, i'm still waiting at the chamber. And there it goes... my friend saw the doctor came out from the resuscitation room, walking past my chamber. All of the sudden people started to shout and cry. My friend peeked a bit to see what happened. I looked at my friend, shocked, and she mouthed me something. Something that i already know just by hearing the people outside. They just lost somebody so important to them. So important that they beg the doctor to save their loved ones. My friend said that the doctor stay calmed as she talked to the family. Soon they rushed to the resuscitation room, the cry goes louder. 

Don't leave us, dad.

By far it was all i remember. I was so stoked, my friend too. I felt so sorry and empathize for the family. So stressed to think of anything else. Until the doctor finally came to check me. I was so surprised she's all smiley while greeting me, after all she witnessed. So relaxed handling me. It was professionalism. If she's all frustrated and affected by it... i might be affected as well.

And i remember,

She got used to it, all situations regarding about a patient and his or her family. Years of experience. I believe she's doing all she can to save her patient. She vowed to do no harm and prioritize the patient's health. I wonder how she felt when things just didn't go as she wanted and fight for.

November 30, 2016

November Rain.

I was thinking that... this movie kinda speaks to me. Trying to tell and reminds me of something. Oh goodness, when will i get over this?
Here it goes my favorite scene where the girl are trying to write a sad ending to her story and her mom just... telling her the right thing.


They won't be together?
Are you sure?

Mom, happy ending isn't realistic.
That's why it's hard to write.
Except yours and dad's

That's it. If it can happen to us, then it's not impossible. You're a loving daughter, friend and sister.
Whoever you'll love would seem to hit the jackpot.
And besides, you're still young.
You can still find someone who will love you genuinely.

I don't want to hope anymore, mom.

No one wants an ending that's unhappy. Be it a story in movies, real life or books.
unless it's happy, it's not yet the ending.


- Para Sa Hopeless Romantic (2015)

September 5, 2016


 I hope that it's okay to say that she is so tired. I hope that it's okay for her to cry. I hope that's it's okay to say that she haven't been doing too well lately. Her body was there yet she felt that she was somewhere else. Hoping that she was somewhere else.

August 7, 2016

July 26, 2016

Since (2014) the 1975

Hello, here i am... wanting to tell you all a part of my liking. I never knew that i got to love this band so much. A few years ago, i was just looking for new songs to listen at youtube, began with the keyword 'Majestic'. You all should spend some time and listen to Majestic's songs. If you love electronic or indie or pop or anything good, i recommend you! That's the place i discovered Alina Baraz and Zhu.

Then, i discovered this thumbnail. With its title. The 1975 - Falling for you. What's with the name? 1975? Do these band created that year? I clicked it anyway. And the next minute, i was stoned and my mind cried. I was thinking that i finally got to found the most suitable music for my ear. It was pleasing and such an art. 

I may not like every songs because of some reasons, but most of them are gold. And these are a few of my favourite, take a while to listen.

July 21, 2016

The Definition of Missing Something

This is a transcript from my tumblr;

May 9 (14) -
The Definition of Missing Something

" If it hurts, you are doing it right."
I miss ballet like a lot and it kinda depress me because i wanted to go back to class so much but i couldn't. The dilemma is that i have to choose ballet or the intensive class for sbmptn, and i chose that one... the scary intensive class program. Oh well it has been 3 weeks and all i can say is. that this is. mad. I hate math science for sure, i don't understand the question at all, it doesn't even make any sense.
Anyhow... why did i miss ballet... of course, the teacher, the classroom, and my ballerina buddy.
I miss Ms. Farida, she is the best teacher i've ever had. She always told me that i have a nice legs to do ballet and all i have to do is stretch it more everytime before i sleep. It encouraged me a lot, thank you :' . And i miss it when she says " Look at that tummy, what did you all eat on holiday." And we, the ballet students, just staring at each other making the we-are-screwed faces.
Whenever i saw a ballet video or live show. I always felt the goosebumps because the movement is so.beautiful. It is very flawless and pretty. Ballerinas jump and float in the air, it seems easy. But when i tried, it is not as easy as it looked like. I had to strengthen my legs, balance my whole body and it hurts. It hurts. And i got cramps. But in the end i don't mind. Like what ms. Farida always says, " If it hurts, you are doing it right."
I am hoping in the near future i could go back to class, do the pliéjeté, chassé or the very ultimate hard pirouette. Never have i done the pirouette perfectly. I don't have to be a professional ballerina, i just want to do ballet. 
Oh, and there is one more thing that i miss from ballet.
The attire. 
Au revoir.

May 18 (14) -

Now you can dance freely in heaven, ibu Farida...
Your dedication for art... for ballet... will forever be remembered.

Forever as a ballet maestro.

(Blogger draft)
June 19 (16) - 
Thank You


Ms. Farida would nod and smile while she says " The class is over." Followed by a clap by every students on center of the class. She usually stays for a while on the chair, at the very corner of the room. Being busy tidying up her stuff, especially the iPod. Us, the students usually sat under the grey barre, stretching our legs and tired soul for moving for two and a half hours. We tried to catch our breath by resting our back on the wall. Then some would leave first because it's already late. I usually drank first and then unloosen my skirt and ballet shoes. Most of the times i always left my bun just like that, i don't want to get involved with the many bobby pins at my tired state.

Because the girls on my class came from different schools, it's very fun to chat with them. I got new friends, new stories. What else? Great friends. And we love dancing.

Not long, our teacher, Ms. Farida walked by us. Ready to leave the room. Sometimes she would stop right in front of us and says " You all should train harder." and getting a reply from us " Yes, Ms.". And us, the students, would always said" Thank you, Ms. Farida." to her before she walked out of the room. Sending our gratitude to our great teacher.

And for real, if only i knew. And i should've known. Then that last ballet class would be the last time i met and said 'Thank you' to her. It hit me bad. And i felt worse. She's my favourite, after Mom and my late grandmother. It was an honor to be her student, to be taught by her, to met her is very special. I learnt a lot from Ms. Farida. Her life is historic, and her dedication for ballet is extraordinary. She is loved and respected by all of her students.

Thank you for being here. Thank you for giving us the chance to dance. Thank you for the stage you gave us. Thank you for being the greatest teacher. We love you, ibu Fari.


Life is a very surprising thing. You meet a person, get to know them, and you learn something from them. I always believe it that when you meet someone, it's either a blessing or a lesson.

- Al

May 16, 2016

May 7, 2016

New York dan Jakarta

Resah di dadamu dan rahasia yang menanti di jantung puisi dipisahkan kata
Begitu pula rindu. Antara pulau dan seorang petualang yang gila
Seperti penjahat dan kebaikan dihalang uang dan undang-undang
- Rangga 

Ada Apa Dengan Cinta, suatu film yang saya yakin tidak akan pernah dilupakan oleh masyarakat Indonesia. Selalu menjadi hype dikalangan anak muda, dan pastinya menorehkan bekas dihati pencinta nya sejak tahun 2002. Saya sendiri pun yang mulai merasakan keterikatan dengan film itu saat SMP, hingga sekarang tidak ada yang bisa menggantikan perasaan dan efek yang diberikan oleh film tersebut. Bukan hanya karena Cinta atau Rangga. Tapi satu kesatuan film tersebut. Rasanya semua elemen yang tergabung di dalamnya begitu pas. Sastra, sinematografi, musik dan drama. 

Setelah 14 tahun berlalu dan akhirnya tidak hanya berakhir di pintu keberangkatan airport, cerita Ada Apa Dengan Cinta 2 adalah apa yang terbaik untuk terjadi. Atau mungkin karena saya tidak berharap apa-apa karena... setelah 14 tahun berlalu, plot bagaimanakah yang baik untuk Cinta dan Rangga yang keduanya telah beranjak dewasa?

Jika dibilang seharusnya tidak suka dengan laki-laki yang kaku, labil dan misterius seperti Rangga, seharusnya hal yang sama juga bisa dikatakan akan Cinta yang sensitif, perfeksionis dan persisten. Keduanya bagaikan bom yang setiap saat siap untuk meledak. Dari film pertama hingga film kedua, tidak absen dengan pertengkaran keduanya. Dan akhirnya Cinta akan selalu menjadi seorang Cinta. Rangga? Siapa sangka penulis akhirnya semakin menambahkan sense of humour dan jiwa petualang di dirinya. Saya suka bagaimana kedua karakter tersebut berkembang. Karakter keduanya adalah normal selayaknya orang di dunia nyata.

Cerita akan Cinta dan Rangga sangatlah sederhana. Namun, siapa sangka kesederhanaan kisah keduanya ternyata begitu legendaris.

Rangga adalah apa yang Cinta butuhkan. Dan Cinta adalah rumah bagi Rangga. Akan selalu menjadi tempat bagi Rangga untuk bersinggah dan dimengerti. Cinta dan Rangga, akhirnya mengalahkan waktu.

Terakhir, saya ingin menyampaikan apresiasi yang besar terhadap penulis puisi pada film ini, entah itu film pertama ataupun yang kedua. Karena telah menyentuh hati saya.

Kata-kata, hanyalah kata-kata bagaimana bisa membuat tangis?

Kadang-kadang, kau pikir mudah mencintai semua orang daripada melupakan satu orang.
Jika ada orang telanjur menyentuh inti jantungmu, mereka yang datang kemudian hanya menyentuh kemungkinan.

April 26, 2016


You know that it's not funny, neither a game you can play with. Someone's feeling is something to be respected. It doesn't have to be known, you just have to understand. It's not that hard, right. So, please? :(

April 7, 2016

Funfetti, Vanilla?

Turning Point

My life was a total random until today. One day i was pretty normal, i woke up and went to the university. Having my super quick class and went home. I was so happy that day. What's more happier than having an extra free time on your monday. But the tomorrow was a total turning point, i woke up having flu and a headache. I was like, okay, just another day of me being unwell. But as i went to my morning class, it became worse. The headache is painful and the flu is worsened. I totally slept the whole lecture, putting my head on the desk. And the next class was a very important class but i was freezing and started to felt pain on my back. I still tried to bear every pain until the last class. I was there on the back seat, luckily wearing my face mask, started to cry because i don't know why. Is it because of the pain or i'm just tired. I don't know what happened to me at that time. The headache is very severe, my flu is not helping, and my back hurts a lot. Like a lot. I couldn't sat straight. My group friend asked me what happened and of course i have nothing to say beside 'it hurts'. So in the middle of the class, i went outside, my whole class was looking at me as i pass like why is this girl crying. I guess the face mask aren't helping me covering my face. Just as i went outside, my best friend was there and she asked what happened. So it just happened that i started to cry, telling her that my back hurts a lot. Some people were staring like 'WHY THIS GIRL SO SUDDEN'. But i just don't care, because it was damn hurts.

So.... i went home, called my mom, went to the hospital, getting a blood test, the next day i'm getting my second and third blood test. My poor arms..... The result was beyond my expectation, my thrombocytes level was very low. I also got a 40 degree celcius on my temperature.

That is how random my life was. Not forgetting how i skipped a few class and two clinical practical exams. Just, okay. At least the hospital food was decent.

Everyone, please stay healthy....

March 9, 2016

Secret Garden

Her heart was a secret garden
                     and the walls were very high

Do you know that feeling, when you get too attached to something, and sometimes you just didn't want to let it go. It's a strange feeling, but somehow it's the best feeling in the world. Like being protected by something. So when others started to shaken things up, the thought of " Ah, they didn't know any of it. They were wrong. It's okay." make you feel better and the only thing that matters is how yourself are thinking and interpreting it. It has always been my self defense for years until i realized what exactly i've been doing. It's dangerous. How my heart and mind being too comfortable with it. But as i said on my third sentence, i felt protected. It used to be my gravity.

And i couldn't help but laughing at myself. Because everything is a choice and i used to pick the rough side. A few hours ago i was reading some blog, it has been a long time since last time i read people's blog. The one that catches my attention is Alodita's. I knew her from Instagram. I didn't remember seeing her account but i think i might have saw her picture once or twice. I discovered her website when i was googling a product review. Yes, a beauty product. She post a great review because she explained everything clearly.

March 1, 2016

1994 Thoughts

1994 (1)
Fate doesn’t come to you at just any time. At the very least, if you want to use the term fate, it should happen at the most dramatic moments brought by coincidence. That’s what makes it fate. That’s why another term for fate, is timing.

1994 (2)
..................................................... one of those lights,............................................. helped me out....................................................... ................................ like fate..................... first......................................... That damned timing.

1994 (3)
In the end, fate and timing do not just happen out of coincidence. They are products of earnest, simple choices that make up miraculous moments. Being resolute, making decisions without hesitation, that is what makes timing. He wanted her more than I did. And I should have been more courageous. It was not timing’s fault. It was my hesitations.

- Reply 1988


And now i am here, still amazed by how genuine their friendship were. This series is the best, for friendship, for family and for love. It felt surreal. And i can't sleep. Why does it have to end. :(

February 22, 2016

I Love to Say Hi

1. Hi.

Gue nggak tahu, udah berapa kali di awal tahun 2016 ini, sampai bulan Februari 2016, gue bilang 'Hi'. Jujur ini random banget. Bukan hanya tentang kenapa gue tiba-tiba membicarakan tentang 'Hi', tapi juga kenapa pagi-pagi kayak gini bisa-bisanya nulis post ini. Mungkin orang lain sekarang udah tidur dan lagi mimpiin sesuatu. But i don't know why and how i couldn't sleep at all. Ini adalah hari kesekian dimana gue nggak bisa tidur di waktu yang seharusnya. But it's holiday anyway. Gue ngga akan bisa ngomong kayak gini kalau misalnya hari kuliah. Karena nanti tulisannya akan lain dan pastinya akan consist of gue ngomong kalau gue butuh tidur yang panjang.

2. Hi.

Apakabar, blog? adalah pertanyaan yang sebenarnya akan dijawab oleh diri gue sendiri. Sebenarnya gue enggak pernah sepenuhnya ninggalin ini. Sesekali kalau gue sempat, pasti gue akan buka dan post apapun itu. Dan akhirnya gue memutuskan untuk membuat blog ini public lagi semenjak statusnya private untuk beberapa tahun. It became private because i grew to realize how random my life was. I read some of the writing that i post back then, and i couldn't stop thinking how unbelieveable it was. Lots of it stays and some of it thrown to the draft now. It's embarassing, somehow. Well, my junior high school days.

3. Hi

Beberapa saat yang lalu gue tersadar kalau gue udah terlalu lama ninggalin hal-hal yang gue suka. Sampai-sampai gue kangen. Maksimal. Gue kangen nulis dan kangen nari. Tapi, awal tahun 2016 akhirnya gue bisa bertemu lagi dengan dua hal itu. I'm so grateful and beyond excited what 2016 has for me on dancing and writing.

4. Hi

Entah berapa banyak teman-teman sekolah, Al-Azhar BSD, yang gue temuin di awal tahun ini. Kangen mereka semua banget dan ada satu hal yang kayaknya nggak akan pernah berubah. Lawakan dan omongan khas anak Albesd yang hanya akan dimengerti oleh anak Albesd sendiri. Cukup kami aja yang ngerti ngomong apa yah. Kuat-kuat aja, deh, dengernya.

5. Hi

and somehow that was everything. The first hello i've ever given on 2016 that led to everything... more clear.